A note I typed while living in Israel, posting now, a year after I returned home:
So lately the bane of my (disordinance ) is how to go about achieving a meaningful life. I want to actively help people, I want activism, change for those who are needing it. What draws me to journalism is that I personally want to help properly represent those around the world to increase tolerance and understanding. This is my out reach.
The Judaism I grew up with is in nearly no correlation with what it is now. Israel is beautiful, I love everything here. But I don’t know if this is my future. A big issue of mine is how I fit into Judaism. I have felt at odds with it ever since I realized that Judaism is in fact very tied to God. I, however, am not. Words are fleeting at this time. Am I meant to be Jewish? I believe in all the things it teaches and all the qualities it includes but is that Judaism or just my want to be a good, effectual person? But the reason I want to be a good person is because I was raised Jewish. But I see this more in Israel. Do I want only to help the Jews? I love the idea of Jewish resistance and warriorism, but is that my life? I can see myself making allyah, working for a short time in the army, living a Jewish life among Jews in the land made for Jews built by Jews. But this is different than American Judaism. Suddenly as I type this I realize how much I enjoy this Jewish life. Everyone is Jewish here, everyone likes this culture, but continues to modernize. History pulses. The ground is made with such vigor and vitality. The language is so beautiful But I’m not so sure I fit in. Why? I cannot tell. Can I live a meaningful life here? What would I do? I know living in America would envelop me in the perturbing culture of getting a useless degree to get married to have a mid class life and children. Forever being a noninhabitor but a tourist. I want to feel something. What does am Yisrael need? It needs protection, it needs room to grow and be understood as a nation and a promising power, it needs to show itself as not desert and death but growth and strength. Can I promote that?
I have all the sudden realized I can see me living here. I am deeply afraid of the hardships but as people express why they are not fit for Israel, I realize how I COULD live here. I don’t understand what draws me, I am not that Jewish but I could build a meaningful life here.
Found in translation 
Absolutely amazing. Your desire to see growth and modernization in Judaism is very similar to mine. Living in Judaism is about doing the good things you hope to achieve. I believe in tradition, but have not been very ritualistic. The last thing your Mother and I wish for you us a stereotypical life. Focus on what you want, use education to learn and prepare you, then proactively achieve each goal and conquer the world. Just make sure you allow yourself time for love and time for fun. Love Dad
You are amazing! I was just leaving a comment on this beautiful post, when I read Dad’s response. I echo his sentiments. Are you feeling the same about Israel today? I wonder the difference a year makes.
Love you! Mom